Parenting is funny business, especially in the hands of English comedian Sam Avery. The father of twins recently posted the '20 Things I Learned As A Parent Last Year' on his Facebook, which had us both nodding our head furiously and laughing out loud.
From wrestling clothes onto a baby, to clocking your morning routine by kids' cartoons, he nails it all in one very funny nutshell. Check it out (please note: his post below does feature some adult-only language):
20 things I learned as a parent last year
- People who say you should 'enjoy every single moment of parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, morons.
- It's easy to get to midday and realise you've not stopped since 6am but have achieved a grand total of f*** all.
- I don't care how strong you think you are, nobody is stronger than a baby that doesn't want to get dressed.
- It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a sh**hole.
- And there’s more chance of visiting Narnia than seeing the bottom of your laundry basket.
- People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my tired, fat arse.
- In fact some days your energy levels resemble those of a diabetic sloth that’s cutting out caffeine for Lent.
- I told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he pissed himself laughing. I was deadly serious.
- I now time my morning routine by CBeebies theme tunes. If I'm not running the shower by the time Octonauts is starting, I'm f***ed.
- Phase 2 of parenthood is when an episode of a kids show comes on and you think, "Ah f***in hell, I've seen this one."
- And whoever let Postman Pat fly a frigging plane this week should be shot in the face.
- I love my kids more than anything in the world.
- But I’d love them even more if they’d nap properly.
- Getting your baby to nap is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning.
- When remarking "they've gone down well tonight" it's best to check you've turned the baby monitor on first.
- Often you’ll panic that there's something seriously wrong with your baby but then realise they're just having a massive shite.
- Some nappy changes are like Brexit - tonnes of build up, nobody really knows what's going on and a horrible mess to clean up afterwards.
- Paying £40 a day for nursery when your kid is too ill to go because of a bug they caught at nursery smarts like a kick in the knackers.
- Parenthood is a crafty bastard - the second you master something it changes the game so you're sh** at it again.
- When your child laughs, the world makes sense."
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