This 'Secret Diary of a 3-year-old' is wet-your-pants funny and oh so true

Kinderling News & Features

Ever wondered what goes on inside your toddler’s head? The Learner Parent, aka Sam Avery, tries to get into that mind space as he writes a regular diary from the viewpoint of his three-year-old twin boys. And to be honest, this diary could be the writings of our toddlers too (though perhaps without the naughty words)!

One of the most recent entries on Facebook had us in stitches, and we couldn’t help but share. From picking up questionable phrases, to toilet training woes and chaos in restaurants, it’s just your average week in Toddler Land.

Gave Daddy a compliment but apparently ‘cracking tits’ isn’t a nice thing to say. 

Heard a rumour in nursery that eggs come from chickens arses and now I’ll never eat an omelette again.

Ran away before bath and Mummy thought it was cute until she noticed I’d wiped a crisp and comprehensive skiddie across Daddy’s pillow. To be fair, she could’ve grassed me up but instead she just put her finger to her lips and turned the pillow over with an evil grin on her face.

Daddy said bed in five minutes. I negotiated to three and then realised that was worse than the initial offer. Decided it didn’t matter as I’ve zero clue what constitutes a minute anyway.

Don’t know why but old women absolutely adore me. Can’t wait till I’m in my seventies - I’ll be fighting them off with a shitty stick.

Made a really strong argument today about something but farted mid-point and completely lost credibility.

My favourite part of going to a restaurant is the gap between ordering and the food arriving. The Big People get unsettled and that’s when I can really express myself. Today I threw the complimentary crayons everywhere and spilled garlic infused olive oil down my trousers. Bon appetit, twats! 

Follow Sam for a bunch more hilarity on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Youtube and his website, The Learner ParentPlus, if you happen to be in England over the next few months, he’s headed on tour! Check out places and dates on the Bound & Gagged Comedy website.