Warning: the following is not for the faint-hearted! In a natural disaster story all parents fear, American dad of two Jesse Mab-Phea Hill has shared a horrific (and hilarious) tale of his daughter Alessandra escaping her nappy and redecorating the room with it.
It’s a cringeworthy comedy moment made even funnier by Jesse’ eye-watering commentary of the faecal fall-out. In a Facebook post that’s since gone viral, he writes:
“There she is, standing at the baby gate, butt naked, holding her diaper, covered head to toe in her own crap. I’m not talking a little poop here and there on her. I'm talking layered on globs of human fecal matter covering her arms, legs, face and HAIR. It's bad. It's worse [than] any other time she decided to explore in her diaper.”
After cheekily considering shutting the door and leaving the mess for his partner, Jesse carried his daughter to the bath, lifting her up by his finger tips to avoid contamination. He continues:
“The whole time she's in the tub she tries to touch me with her s--t covered hands and I scream like a pre-prepubescent girl and dodge her. After 20 minutes I pick all the crap out of her hair, bottom of her feet and everywhere in between.”
Then it was time for Jesse to revisit the scene of the crime. “I haven't even looked in her room yet because when I first got to her room Alessandra was standing there like a s--t covered bridge troll,” he writes. “I thought she had pooped in her diaper and got it on herself...... But it was so much worse.”
“I walk in her room slowly and am greeted with a scene straight out of a German fetish dream. Everything on the right side of the room is covered in steaming baby crap. The walls, the toys, the windows, the curtains, the play bench, the floor, the baby piano, my hopes, all covered in crap. It looked like a real category 5 s--t storm blew thru her room. Hurricane S--trina if you will. I have no clue where to start.”
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After joking about just “lighting the house on fire”, Jesse reveals it took him two and half hours, two rolls of paper towels, five stolen gym towels, one bottle of bleach and one bag of “crap covered toys” to clean up, admitting it “still smells like a dumpster fire.”
As for Alessandra? Jesse jokes she’s “my favorite daughter but my 2nd favorite kid right now.”
No doubt he’ll get his revenge at her 21st birthday when these photos resurface! Check out Jesse and his partner’s Parenthood: The Struggle blog for even more LOLs.
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